I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
