I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
