I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
