i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
