Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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