remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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