When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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