Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Randomize
