I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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