Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
where does the pee come out of this thing
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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