Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
