i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
