dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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