Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
