Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
