Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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