Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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