I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
