Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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