shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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