You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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