LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
