Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
