Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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