There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
