why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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