i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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