I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
