This is not my ceiling
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
