Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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