she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
