So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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