How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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