Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My life is pants optional.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
