At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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