mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
