Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
