you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
