She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
