please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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