Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
