i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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