My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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