So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
