Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
