I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
