What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
