I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
