i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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