White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
