I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
