I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
